On Loneliness: Modern American Society

Note: To read the other parts of this series, just click on the loneliness tag at the bottom of this post.

Chances are that you forgot about this series, or perhaps thought it was done, because I haven’t posted anything about it since April. I had originally intended three more posts for the series, entitled: My Personality, Modern American Society, and Conclusions. However, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that I’d said enough about my personality, and that what little is left to be said about it will come out in my other posts. Therefore, I decided to cut out that post.

As I sat down to write about American society, I quickly realized that I had a lot to say, and that not all of it necessarily flowed together cohesively. This has led to me spending a lot of time thinking about what, exactly, my point is. After a while, it occurred to me that I had two related points: one specifically about American society, and one about social media, which I don’t see as solely an American issue. Eventually I decided that these two points needed to be addressed separately, which means that, while there will still be three more posts in this series, they’re now entitled: Modern American Society, Social Media, and Conclusions.

Now, on to my musings about American society:

I think that, in an interpersonal sense, it can be very difficult to be an American. We get a lot of mixed messages. One of the most celebrated American characteristics is independence. We’re very proud of our individualism here. (It’s always amused me that the most feared bad guy in the Star Trek universe is the Borg, who strip a person of his/her individuality. It seems like the quintessential American fear.) In America, you’re supposed to be self-reliant. If you get knocked down, you’re supposed to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. If someone wants to help you, that’s fine, but you’re not supposed to ask for it. Asking for help is weak and needy, and that’s bad. At the end of the day, the only person you’re supposed to rely on is yourself.

You would think, with this strong emphasis on rugged individualism, that we Americans would feel encouraged to be a nation of loners, but that’s simply not the case. As much as we are pressured to be self-reliant, we are also pressured to be popular. The implication is that a person can’t be happy or fulfilled if he or she doesn’t have dozens, if not hundreds, of friends. The only time you hear the word “loner” in America, it’s usually coupled with a tone that indicates that loners are weird, undesirable. The person who committed the latest mass shooting? A “loner” who never talked to anyone. Pedophile/rapist? A “loner” who lived in Mom’s basement.

In America, the land of “you take care of yours and I’ll take care of mine,” being a loner is definitely a no-no.

It can all be a bit confusing. I feel like I’m expected to accumulate a huge social network, while, at the same time, I’m told not to depend upon that network. That leaves me to wonder what the point of having all these friends is. Bragging rights? I occasionally enjoy watching game shows and I always laugh whenever someone is set to win a dream weekend getaway with 50 of his or her “closest friends.” Who honestly has 50 “close” friends, I wonder? 50 friends, sure, but “close” ones? I highly doubt it.

Which is not to say that I discourage anyone from pursuing close relationships. If you’ve been reading this series, then you’ll know how much my friendships mean to me. However, the pressure in this country to accumulate as many friendships as humanly possible is intense. I find the idea that all of these friendships could actually be meaningful and close ridiculous. That’s simply not how human interaction works. America, as a nation, sort of feels like a teenager who hasn’t yet figured out that not everyone will like it and/or be its BFF

For my own part, I actually enjoy spending a significant amount of time by myself. I wouldn’t call myself a loner. I enjoy the company of other people. It can be a delicate, and difficult, balance to strike though. If I spend too much time alone, I get depressed, but if I spend too much time with other people, it exhausts me. And I’m not immune to societal pressure. Whenever I take too long of a break from pursuing human interaction, I start to feel like something is wrong with me. I know that feeling didn’t originate from inside of me. I know that it’s me responding to outside messages.

As far as friendships go, all I’ve ever really wanted was a small, core group of true blue companions who will journey through life with me. This has proven frustratingly elusive to attain. When I lived in Portland, I felt like I’d built a strong foundation of friendship. If I still lived there, I’d likely find that to be true. However, I discovered, much to my disappointment, that even in this age of the internet and social media, moving away from your friends means that you simply won’t remain as close to most of them as you were when you lived in the same city. Friendships, like all other relationships, require effort, and most people aren’t willing to put that kind of effort into someone they virtually never see in person.

My husband and I have moved too much these last six years for me to fully form the kind of close relationships I had in Portland. While I understand this on an intellectual level, it’s still difficult to accept. We Americans aren’t especially known for our patience. Also, since I’m an introvert, it’s difficult for me to keep putting myself out there, to work for the kind of connections I want. Additionally, I’ve encountered another problem of American society: our almost pathological need to be busy (or at least appear to be) nearly all the time.

Honestly, I used to come up against this in Portland as well. You meet someone you like, you make an effort to spend time with them, only to be constantly rebuffed because the person just doesn’t have time for you. They’ve got work and self improvement classes and exercise and book clubs/women’s groups/church/volunteer work/whatever and kids and tons of other friends. There’s simply very little room in their schedule for you, no matter how much you may have clicked with them. It’s nearly as infuriating as it is frustrating. 

I’ve always thought that, if people really want to spend time with you, then they’ll make time. If they can’t be bothered to make time, then that’s all you need to know about them. Now I have to wonder if this is the case. I feel like a lot of Americans don’t know how not to be busy, like the busyness fills some kind of void and if they stop to breathe for a few minutes, then they’ll have to think about whatever it is that they’ve been dodging. Busyness is a kind of sickness. I could be overanalyzing, or perhaps even projecting. All I know is, back when I had the “busy bug,” I was mostly trying to flee feelings of loneliness.

Sometimes I think I need to catch the “busy bug” again. It was certainly a time of my life that felt full and fun. However, it didn’t fix my underlying problems then, so I doubt it would fix anything now. Being busy certainly kept me from thinking too much, but it didn’t bring me the kind of connections I was seeking. In the ensuing years, I’ve slowed down a lot, spent lots more time by myself, and figured out that the world didn’t end when I was left alone with my own thoughts. However, that hasn’t brought me the kind of connections I’m seeking either.

I’m still not sure what the answer to this dilemma is. Like most solutions, it probably lies somewhere in the middle. It’s good to be busy, but not too busy. It’s good to make friends, but you should work on cultivating only a few of those friendships into something deeper. It’s good to be your own person, but you really should ask for help when you need it. And by the way, if you like to be alone, that’s okay too. “Loner” shouldn't be a dirty word anymore. 

I feel that everyone should embrace what works for him/her. However, it’s always important to take a step back and reflect on what does work for you. Just because something is “normal” or “correct” by society’s standards doesn’t mean that it’s right for you (note: I am not advocating for any illegal activity). After all, being an individual means not going along with the herd. It means asserting your independence. 

What could be more American than that?

Final Reflections on October 2014

October started out really promising. True to what I posted last month, I began making a more concentrated effort to organize my life and time. On a friend’s enthusiastic recommendation, I joined HabitRPG, a game that helps one develop good habits. I’ve found that it suits me well. In short order, I was exercising regularly, getting my chores/errands done more consistently, and writing a lot more. My life felt busier, my mental health improved, and I felt better physically as well. (Side note: I also interviewed for a part-time job working for an acquaintance but won’t know for a few more weeks if I’ve landed the position.)

However, about a week before I was to leave on a planned trip to Portland, my husband came home from work sick. Of course, that means I spent the next week sick, although not as sick as him, exerting as little energy as possible in an attempt to get better before my trip. It nearly worked. I was feeling better, although not completely well, by time I left. Unfortunately, the combination of travel, cold/wet weather, and lots of running around in Portland made me worse again and I spent most of my trip sick anyway.

All that is to say, I had to put my HabitRPG character “at the inn” during my illness and trip, which means that all the good habits I’d started to build fell by the wayside. After coming back from the trip, I convinced myself that I needed a break from my regular life to “recuperate,” but I realized over this past weekend that I only have about a week until a visit from my brother and a lot to do in that time, so today I’m jumping back into the swing of things.

The weekend before my trip, I got the first edit of my manuscript back from my editor. I was feeling poorly enough that I didn’t spend much time looking through it. My main goals for this week are to finish looking over the manuscript and to begin one of the things I’ve most been dreading: the search for a cover artist. The whole process of actually publishing the book (now that it’s nearly finished) is both daunting and scary to me. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s very far outside of both my skill set and my comfort level. I’ve been dragging my feet on this for a long time.

However, the other night, I was talking to a friend who’s nearing completion of a photography degree. He was expressing similar feelings about how difficult it is for him to push himself beyond the moment of creation, into that next step. It was comforting to be reminded that what I’m feeling is neither unusual nor unique. It was also sobering. I’ve pushed myself a lot these last six years; I’ve been forced to learn to adapt and evolve through a lot of difficult situations. I thought I could take a break from it for a while, but it’s become clear to me that I can’t, at least not for now.

My focus for November will be on doing the nitty gritty tasks of the book that I’ve been avoiding - finding a cover artist, building my website, etc. - in addition to entertaining my brother and planning another trip, this time to Texas in early December. It seems like a lot, but I’m feeling up to the challenge.

By the way, in case you’re wondering, my Portland/Seattle trip was great. I powered through being sick (hopefully I was no one’s Typhoid Mary in the process) and did everything I’d planned and really just had so much fun. I’ve always loved Portland as a city, it’s still such a great town even though it’s changed a lot in the last six years, but seeing my old friends reminded me why it’s been such a huge part of my heart for so long. They’re all such witty, intelligent, fun people. I hadn’t laughed that much in ages. 

My October in a nutshell: a little bit of fun, a little bit of illness, and a little bit of getting my act together. All in all, it was a pretty good month. If you’re stopping by to read, why don’t you tell me how October went for you?

A-Z Movies, K: "The Kings of Summer"

Recommended by:
Patricia (friend)

Movie Stats:
Released 2013 (USA)
American, in English (some minimal translated Spanish)
Director - Jordan Vogt-Roberts
Stars - Nick Robinson, Gabriel Basso, Moises Arias

Plot Summary:
Three boys, Joe (Robinson), Patrick (Basso), and Biaggio (Arias), facing typical teenage troubles, run away from home to live in the house they’ve built in the forest.

Warnings:
Blue language; violence (of the hunting sort) toward animals.

Bad Stuff:
Some of the editing was choppy. I got confused a few times, thinking that the DVD had skipped when really it was a slightly clunky scene change.

Occasionally I felt like it was trying too hard to convince me that it was artsy and deep.

There’s not a lot of resolution to it. By the end, the characters’ problems aren’t wrapped up in a nice tidy bow. While that’s not a problem for me personally, I feel that it would bother a certain set of movie goers.

Good Stuff:
It’s really funny.

While a lot of it is unrealistic (the way Joe’s father, Frank [Nick Offerman], treats the police without repercussion, for example), the important things felt very real. The boys go out in the woods and behave exactly as I would expect boys to, punching each other, playing with swords, and growing wispy facial hair. I loved that, after a pretty nasty fight, Joe and Patrick basically grunt at each other, flip each other off, and their friendship is fixed. That sums up male friendship fairly succinctly.The highlight of the film was the way the boys interacted.

It has so much joie de vivre. Even when things don’t go as expected for the boys, there’s this sense of accomplishment and self-fulfillment that’s infectious.

The Verdict:
This film had me from the opening scene. It’s simply delightful. I laughed a lot. It’s fun and sweet and charming. I really can’t say enough good things about it. This is one of those movies that I would love to own so I can watch it whenever I need a pick-me-up. 

I give it 4.5 stars.

A-Z Movies, J: "Judgment at Nuremberg"

Recommended by:
Nick (friend)

Movie Stats:
Released 1961 (West Germany)
American, in English (significant amounts of German, mostly translated)
Director - Stanley Kramer
Stars - Spencer Tracy, Richard Widmark, Maximilian Schell, Burt Lancaster, and many, many others

Plot Summary:
For those of you who don’t know your history, HERE is a link to the wiki on the Nuremberg trials. This movie represents a fictionalized account of those trials. American judge Dan Haywood (Tracy) is called to Nuremberg to preside of the trial of four German judges (one of whom is Dr. Ernst Janning, played by Lancaster) who stand accused of crimes against humanity. Widmark co-stars as prosecutor Colonel Tad Lawson, and Schell as defense attorney Hans Rolfe.

Warnings:
The movie utilizes some actual historic footage of liberated concentration camps, including scenes of naked dead bodies and other disturbing images.

Bad Stuff:
It’s long (3 hours), it’s slow, and it’s dry as a bone.

Some of the camera work was very amateurish. You know that video of the dramatic prairie dog? Some scenes had that same kind of “dun dun DUN” feel to them, to the point that it actually made me laugh.

Sometimes it seemed more like an educational film that a teacher might have shown me in high school than a major motion picture. It was also a little preachy, although certainly not as much as it could have been.

Good Stuff:
The acting is phenomenal. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was good (even William Shatner, as Haywood’s aide Captain Harrison Byers), but my favorites were Montgomery Clift (as trial witness Rudolph Petersen), who was absolutely riveting, Maximilian Schell, and Judy Garland (as trial witness Irene Hoffman), who was unrecognizable.

This is the kind of movie that makes you uncomfortable in the good way. It asks a lot of tough questions about culpability, personal responsibility, the extent of one’s duty to one’s country, and what it means to be a judge who’s sworn an oath to uphold the law when the law becomes amoral. There were a lot of scenes that I cringed through, especially Hans Rolfe’s attempts to defend his clients, but at the same time I was cringing, I was impressed by how masterful they were.

The Verdict:
Honestly, I’m not a big fan of courtroom dramas. Actual court proceedings are boring. To combat this fact, TV shows/movies tend to interject excitement by having judges/witnesses/lawyers make big, dramatic speeches that would never, ever be allowed to happen in a real life court. I find the whole spectacle overblown and tedious and this film was not an exception to that rule.

However, I feel that it is an important movie for everyone to see at least once. I put it in the same category as films such as Schindler’s List and 12 Years a Slave, films that aren’t especially enjoyable to watch but are necessary to see because understanding the past is important. In most history classes, the Nuremberg trials are a footnote. This movie not only gives insight into them, but also into the precarious position of the United States in Germany after WWII, where our brief alliance with the Soviet Union slowly began to collapse and the Cold War took shape.

If nothing else, you should watch it for Montgomery Clift’s 12-minute scene. It’s one of the finest pieces of acting I’ve ever seen. 

I give the movie 3.75 stars.

Up with Geography: The Bahamas

Country Name:
The Bahamas

Capital:
Nassau

Continent:
None; it's an island chain. North America is the closest continent.

Map:

Neighbors:

The closest neighbors are Cuba, to the southwest; the U.S., to the west-ish; and Turks and Caicos, to the east-ish.

Water Border:

Atlantic Ocean

Total Area: (added March 2015)
5,358 square miles

Five Largest Cities:
Nassau, Freeport, West End, Coopers Town, Marsh Harbour

Famous Geographical Point:
700 atolls and cays, somewhat represented on the map by lots of tiny dots

Famous Person:
Kimbo Slice, boxer, MMA fighter, & actor

Book Set In/About:
An Evening in Guanima by Patricia Glinton-Meicholas

This is a collection of Bahamian folktales.

Movie Set In/About:
"Thunderball" (1965), directed by Terence Young

This is a Sean Connery James Bond movie, wherein Bond is searching for two stolen nuclear warheads in The Bahamas. It was extremely difficult to find a movie set in or about The Bahamas, or even by a Bahamian director. This was the highest rated one I could dig up.

Headline of the Day:
"The Race Is On" in The Nassau Guardian (this is an article about Loretta Butler-Turner announcing her bid to run for leadership of the Free National Movement party).

Note: When I typed "The Bahamas" in Google, no news stories came up. I then typed in "Bahamas news" and clicked on the first news source provided, The Nassau Guardian. I then chose the first article listed.

A-Z Movies, I: "Indian Summer"

Recommended by:
Mardelle (friend)

Movie Stats:
Released 1993 (USA)
Canadian & American, in English
Director - Mike Binder
Stars - Alan Arkin, Diane Lane, Bill Paxton, and several others

Plot Summary:
A group of friends return to their childhood summer camp 20 years after the fact. Arkin co-stars as the camp director, “Unca” Lou Handler, and Lane & Paxton co-star as two of the returning campers, Beth Warden and Jack Belston.

Warnings:
Very minor blue language; heavily implied sexy times; drug use (marijuana); and one scene with naked female side boob.

Bad Stuff:
It’s kind of boring. It’s a movie about people in their 30s trying solve some fairly typical life problems while hanging out with their old buds for a week. If you’re past the “wild party” stage of your life, think about how boring it would be for someone else to listen in on your conversations with your old friends. That’s what this was like.

I didn’t like that the movie advocated physical violence, albeit in the boxing ring, to solve marital problems. If your spouse won’t hear you out unless you strap on some boxing gloves and KO them, you have far worse problems than you think you have IMO.

The preponderance of mom/dad jeans and long, fluffy hair on both men and women, aka early 90s fashion.

Good Stuff:
Alan Arkin. Enough said.

Although it’s billed as a comedy, I wouldn’t say that I found it especially funny. However, the scenes of the men pulling pranks on each other while giggling madly made me giggle too.

It made me wish I could gather up some of my old friends and go away with them for a week because even though I think it would look boring to anyone spying on us, it seems like a heck of a lot of fun for the participants.

The Verdict:
This is such a 90s movie through and through. I feel like they don’t really make movies like this anymore, just really sweet and a little bit cheesy, meandering and mostly pointless but feel-good, completely lacking in cynicism. In fact, twelve years after directing this, Binder would direct a favorite of mine, “The Upside of Anger,” a movie seething with both anger and cynicism, even though it too is a comedy. Sometimes I miss movies like this. (I think this is why my guilty movie pleasures are cheesy romances and Christmas movies, because I know they’ll be cutesy and they come with a guaranteed happy ending.)

I don’t think this is a great movie, but it is enjoyable. To me it falls in the category of “movies I watch when I’m feeling down about life even though I recognize they're not great.” It can be comforting to watch people onscreen try to figure out the same types of things you’re trying to figure out. 

I give the movie 3.25 stars.

Final Reflections on September 2014

For the most part, I managed to pull myself back together in September. When I turned 39 in July, I promised myself that I would spend the last year of my 30s having fun. So it was pretty disappointing to shortly thereafter fall into one of my periodic depressions. Those of you who’ve struggled with depression will know that it’s pretty much the opposite of fun. When you’re depressed, even the good times don’t seem so good.

It’s been a relief to pull out of the tailspin. I managed it mostly through willpower alone, forcing myself to keep plodding forward even when I didn’t feel like it. I got out of the house and explored more of the metroplex, which you can read about by searching “out and about” in the tags. I also started an exercise regimen. Not only have I been feeling better physically, it’s also improved my mental health and the way I feel about my nearly 40-year-old body.

Additionally, the freelance editor I hired began working on my first novel in September. As long as I get my butt in gear to put my website together and find a cover artist, this means I should be releasing my first novel by the end of the year, which I’m very excited about. I’ve been writing a lot more lately as well. I’m hoping that, by time she’s finished with my first novel, I’ll have the next one ready for my editor to begin working on.

Even so, despite all the recent accomplishments, I still have this feeling of “not quite right.” I know the issue is that I’ve been spending too much time alone. As an introvert, I don’t mind a healthy dose of alone time, but I can definitely tell when I’m getting too much of it, and I’ve been in that zone for a few months now. I’ve joined a group or two that meet during the day, but they don’t do things that I’m interested in often enough to fill the gap.

My instincts are telling me that I need to find some volunteer work, or possibly a part-time job. I’ve been kicking around this idea for a while now but the need for it is becoming increasingly urgent. Now that October is here, I think I’ll be focusing part of my energy in that direction, looking to add some structure back into my life both through a more rigid schedule/routine and through some type of work. 

In short, things are going pretty well, and I’m feeling a lot better, but there are a few areas of my life that currently could use some improvement. That’s my life in a nutshell. If you’re stopping by to read, why don’t you tell me how September went for you.