I had one of those moments this morning when I suddenly
realized that I was completely tired of my own bullshit. You know what I mean?
I can’t possibly be the only person who occasionally feels this way.
Depression runs in my family. It’s just one of those facts
of life. I’ve struggled with it off and on since I was a teenager. The older
I’ve gotten, the better I’ve become at dealing with and overcoming that
depression. The thing I’ve found that helps me the most is cognitive behavioral
therapy. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s been good for me. I’ve
managed to stay on a pretty even keel the last few years, ever since I read
David D. Burns’s Feeling Good.
Even so, I still get sucked down in the mire every now and
then. Usually, I work myself out of it in a day or two. Sometimes, though, it
takes me longer to get through. It’s honestly frightening how easy it is to
fall into a cycle of negative thinking.
This is what I’ve been struggling with for a few weeks now.
It doesn’t help that when I get like this, I find it extremely difficult to
write, which only makes me feel worse. I’ve got one thing that I like to do,
that I’m fairly good at, and that I might be able to make something out of, and
I can’t even do it? Yeah, that’s a bit of a bummer. It makes me cranky. I feel
like I haven’t been much fun to be around lately.
So I was getting ready this morning and it just hit me, I don’t even like myself very much right now.
That’s always a bad sign. How can you expect other people to like you when you
don’t even like yourself? It seems clear to me that it’s time to force myself
back into a better mood. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.
However, I feel like I’ve been nice enough already. I took it easy, gave myself
time to work through it like normal. It hasn’t worked. To me, that means it’s
time to kick my own ass. Bring on the self Drill Sergeant!
6 comments:
Yep. It's my problem too. It comes from both sides of my family. It can be very hard for me to dig my way out of it. For me exercise helps, as well as writing and making myself be social. I've found if I don't get together with people outside of work I can get incredibly caught up in me in unhealthy ways. This was a surprising realization because I'm a huge introvert.
My favorite sign that things are not going well is that I watch so many movies or read so many books, that I start to narrate my own life as if it was a movie or book. That's when it's time to have a chat with a sentient being.
ps. Good luck in pulling yourself out of it.
Thanks. Been getting out for walks but it hasn't been as helpful as I'd hoped. I'm still thinking that things will get better soon, though.
I've had the same experience as Patricia- exercise, and being social help a ton. Forcing myself to go out and interact with others (even if it's not people I know well) forces me out of my *head* - as an introvert, especially, it takes so much energy to socialize that I don't have much left for being in the serious doldrums.
As for writing, maybe try editing something? Not your own work, but maybe somebody else's? Find some lousy piece of writing and redo it, retell the story? Prompts can be helpful, even if everything that comes out of them is a bit garbage-y.
But more than doling out the advice (it's so easy) I want to check in and say "hang in there." A few weeks of depression can feel like way longer than a few weeks. You are likable, you are good, and you are a great friend! If you don't trust yourself on that issue, put your trust in us until you get your bearings again. :)
Oh that "unknown" poster is me - Hafidha
Thanks, Fi. You guys are the best.
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